A woman’s self-discovery

Zara is sitting on a bench in a park. In front of her is a long river with beautiful scenery of hills and mountains, the river’s water is crystal clear and shiny; one can easily find marine flora and fauna in it. The weather is somewhat cold, layers of fog are swimming around the hills, and birds are in their nests and covering their chicks with their feathers. The whole scenery looks like a heaven in which she often dwell in thoughts of her own. Who am I? What’s the purpose of being? How could I live life to the fullest, which often people just dream about?

Her bench is in the shadow of a Banyan tree. There is a nest of sparrows in the tree. The sparrow is living with her mate and her two small chicks. The family often sees Zara sitting on the bench, dwelling deep into being. One chick asks her mum. Mamma! Why is this girl often found here sitting alone—no talking, thinking deeply—but about what? Sparrow said to her chick, “Her name is Zara. She is beautiful, calm, generous, and thoughtful. And whenever you find these qualities in a person, you will find those people as deep thinkers. They always want to achieve their fullest being and discern something meaningful from their lives.” Um hmm!” Mamma, don’t you think it’s boring to just think about lots of things and not explore them? Look at the beauty of these mountains; the fog is like a waterfall running down from the hills. Look at the flowers blooming on the shore of the river. Look, there is a tulip, a lotus, and a daffodil (Narcissus) seeing its reflection in the river and enjoying his own company.

“Yep. You are right. Nowadays, our other living fellow humans have the same problem; they often think too much. Worry too much, fight too much, and be too involved with friends, culture, society, and mobile phones. They have forgotten to live with their own company. The best way of living is to live with one’s own company, as the narcissus does.”

“When tomorrow starts without me

And I’m not there to see.” (David M. Romano)

“Mamma!” I think you should help her find the purpose of being. Yep! You are right. I often want to help her, but as you know, humans and animals thing. “Oh! Mamma,” are you also not becoming part of this “think too much” philosophy? Let your thoughts and feelings be expressed! Do not worry. Enlightenment is not limited to human beings. We live our lives to the fullest. We don’t know whether we’ll find ourselves living in the evening or whether some predator will take our lives. But every day we fight to see the beauty of life’s unexpectedness. The routine, consistent life is boring. Its ups and downs make us lively.

“Yep, little sparrow.”

Sparrow flies down the nest, sits beside her on the bench, and says, “Hello! Zara, are you okay?” “I often find you sitting here and dwelling on thoughts. Can I help?”

Zara said, “Hello there little friend. I am doing well. How about you?” “I am also good, she replied (sparrow). Sparrow said, “No, I think you have some worries and some serious ones.” Zara said nothing for some time, and then, after a few minutes she replied, “Recently, I found myself fighting with my own thoughts, my incompetency, my skills, and about myself.”

“Actually! I was born into poor family conditions. So I’ve had to work daily since the age of 9 to earn my living. In that period, there were some tragedies that I found overwhelming, such as the killings in the work area and a brutal massacre in the nearby city. I felt sorry for those people, and for me, I couldn’t help them. I prayed for them; the least I could do.”

“When I grew up, I wanted to study, to be a poet, but then the needs of family took me into marrying a wealthy guy so we could make our lives better. At the age of 15, I got married. The guy was gentle and mature, but the family environment is not meant for me. So I left, and after that, I was all alone. None of my family members supported me; I lived in shelters and ate rotten food. During that time, I hoped for myself that I’d have the courage to do anything and achieve anything in the future for myself, but I was too disturbed by the living situations of children and people who were born there. And felt, what would their future be? Would they ever achieve financial and family security?”

“After passing that phase, now I am in my forties working and also following my passion for writing. Life seems good, but there is a hollowness and sorrow in me. I am searching for myself. I felt grief for those who are living in inhumane conditions.”

“Oh! Zara, your story is very painful. But whenever there is hope, there is something to live for.”

“As a child, you worked for your family to get some more pennies and helped them meet their basic needs. This is your hope, your ability, and your mental competence to earn for your family. Don’t you find it’s good?”

“You know Zara at some point in life that it is not necessary to be what you want to become because something’s you have to go through to really become what is meant for you. As in the past, if you became a poet at the age of 15, you might be a romantic poet, which is good, but after facing all those difficulties of marriage and shelter life, now your poetry would be a combination of the whole life’s situations and difficulties, ups and downs. Currently, your poetry would be more refined and mature.”

“Though you knew that the consequences would push you in the opposite direction if you left the spouse, you left the home because that was not meant for you. It shows your ability and courage to believe in yourself.”

“Last but not least, you can earn knowledge throughout your life. The degree doesn’t matter. In fact, you have real knowledge of life and maturity. You are capable, competent, and courageous.”

“Now in this phase, when you are losing hope, I suggest not doing so. Back in time when Prophet Abraham was throwing into the fire. A little bird was carrying water in her beak and pouring it into the fire to shut it down. One said that if you pour water into the fire even for 10 years consistently, the fire will not extinguish with your beak’s water. She gently replied, I knew, but I am taking my part instead of just sitting and worrying. So Zara, there is simply no way to solve the problems of all living beings, but you could help only those who are within your reach, or just take your part in the good.”

“Look, you are neither incomplete nor empty. You have a great, loving heart for people; you feel for them. You are working to earn your living, following your passion, not dependent on anyone, and standing all alone on your feet. These are the best things. If one can pursue.”

“In life, it’s not; you would find all enlightenment at once. Actually, things and meanings are divided into phases. As you grow older and mature, you will find meanings and causes in life itself. Live life to the fullest, not the happiest (it’s not seems good sometimes).

And talks go on.

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Mohd Ursheel Husain
Mohd Ursheel Husain is a final year M.A. Psychology student of A.M.U. Currently, He is working as a vice chariperson in an NGO named - PRAYAS EDUCATIONAL REFORMATION SOCIETY. It is working in the fields of educational reformation in poor and illiterate society Ursheel is also interested in Psychology and Psychoanalysis. He writes Urdu Short Stories. As of now, he is working on a Book with Three Perspectives - Spirituality, Psychology, and Practical Life. He can be reached at urs007.ahman@gmail.com